Love Diary: The Catfish

Hinge is particulalry cool to me because you can filter by race, religion, and education. My current settings have been adjusted to only display a very particular type: Educated African Men Under 40. One (supposed) such connection, Mr. Sir asked me to join him for dinner at Nobu. I thought to myself, Fine Dining? Excellent. Money does not impress me but great taste does. Reservations were made.

I was seated before he so I watched him walk in, head held up high, very confidently as if nothing was amiss… Hysterically laughing, I went on the app, zoomed in on his pic, “you mean to tell me this is you?“ I asked. I kid you not, person on the app is bald, brown, wears glasses, has round face. Whereas, person in front of me had full hair & beard, was dark skinned, did not wear glasses and had more of a oval headshape. He quickly rubbished, “ah I grew my hair, that’s why. Let me show you my ID.” (I thought, did you also operate the shape of your head and genetically modify the color of your skin? Also how will your ID help me? It will look like the you of now. But you offering has heightened my suspicion!) In any case, I decided to not indulge in the absurd debate. “You want sushi I asked?” I had never been to Nobu so I was determined to try the food since y’all be hyping it like you are on their marketing payroll. Now, THAT was a bigger disappointment than the catfish. The best way to describe it is “edible.” As in, you will consume it, it will not kill you…

He asked to cover my bill, I politely declined, paid and excused myself. I rushed everything and the entire saga lasted maximum 30 minutes. The irony of it being he wasn’t even not cute. This was a case of fresh off the boat. My impression was, newly immigrated man who unfortunately lacks confidence in his aunthetic self. The person he selected for the app was visibly well traveled. He had pictures in Paris, in front of La Tour Eiffel as well in front of some London monument. I did use the opportunity to say, “just be yourself, you are fine the way you are.” He mistook my motivational speech for interest in him and asked whether he will be seeing me again. I laughed and told him “my brother, pick someone that looks a bit more like you next time.”

(Disclaimer: While the above is a rarity. There is still a way to avoid the 1% chance this will happen. You’re supposed to (1) Match only with profiles that have a verification label because that means the person underwent biometric verification that confirms they are who they claim to be. (2) As a double layer protection, you can facetime before you meet.)

What can I say? Another day, another movie.