Bush Men

The following will sound like a Nollywood scene; I am afraid, it is not ...

Sunday after church, I joined a friend for lunch to a local Nigerian spot. I wore a bodycon bright red dress that screamed confidence; this was likely my first sin. We sat in close proximity with, as I later found out a (not very gentle) man. The waiter informed me that the food was extremely spicy, my friend is Nigerian, I am not so I am not accustomed to spicy foods as East African cuisine is not spicy. The food arrived, I legit could not handle it. I asked for 2 bottles of waters, still could not handle it; this turned out to be my second sin.

The man, unprovoked, proceeded to ask whether he could advise me. Out of respect for my friend, a fellow countrywoman of his, I restrained myself and listened to the unsolicited advice. The man did not ask my name, the man did not say excuse me, the man did not even greet me. He simply proceeded to go on an incoherent rant on how I will never be American, how I should be proud of my roots, how I said the word Nigeria 5 times and he doesn’t know whether it’s for attention, blah blah blah. Before I could even reply, the man, with no interlude, proceeded to ask my friend out, as if to make the point: “good girls get asked out, bad girls don’t.” I tried to keep my cool, for her sake, I did not want to sabotage the flirting session in case she was interested, so I forced the ridiculously spicy suya down my throat and attempted to keep quiet.

Unsurprisingly, I could not help it. I had to quickly highlight that the premise of his advice was based on incorrect assumptions that he had made on my person. I am not sure what gave it away, but he then asked, “let me guess you are one of those feminists?” I said, “yes, I am in fact for the equality of the sexes.” This was apparently my third and MOST grievous sin. He concluded his rant by saying feminism is Un-African and once again, I should embrace my origins. A few minutes later, I overheard him saying to my friend that while he is in Tech, he also does hair.

The irony of his very feminine job did not allow me to keep my composure, so I cleared my throat and unleashed. I told him he appeared to be an uncivilized, perhaps even insecure man, the exact type I don’t deal with… My friend was uncomfortable, so I stopped and spared him. Really, what I wanted to say was, “your pants are too tight for you to be the Panafrican police… And Nigeria does not equal Africa!” Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the misogyny we speak of. Men with a strong, unjustified dislike/prejudice against women. (Disliking a person you don’t know = pre-existing prejudice.)

Many of you Nigerian men are brilliant and hardworking, but the sheer audacity and arrogance is something I have observed in a large number of you. Be not mistaken, I will still attend your churches and establishments because y’all have nice things. But as long as I pay my offerings and/or my bills, no randoms will go unchecked. You sirs have met your match. *Provocatively winks and blows a kiss* What a very non-Namaste day…