ACCIDENTALLY JOINED A CULT

It was the year 2018, I was a 1L, sitting in Howard Law’s library, as had Thurgood Marshall 85 years prior. TM is best known for the landmark case Brown v. Board of Education that desegregated the US school system. Needless to say, I delulu-ly felt big and bad... That day, I was minding my business, as is my custom; when a young Jamaican woman, (dem your people, Octavia-bear), approached me with a church flyer. I had just moved to DC and was looking for a home church, so I thought the timing perfect! When Sunday came, I visited the church. At first glance, the environment was super vibrant, lots of young people and the Pastor was very dynamic. Members were mostly Africans with 1 or 2 Caribbeans.

I did find the emphasis on Prosperity Gospel as well as the Pastor’s ultra-luxury fits to be of poor taste. Heck, I didn’t know Gucci made suits ’till I saw it on that man. Still, I didn’t read too much into it. My logic was: Do Scriptures encourage modesty? Certainly. Do we all tend to violate that command? Probably. I thought: “God help us all!” I continued attending that church regularly. One time, I had to leave early for another commitment (or maybe I was just sleepy and h-angry, can’t remember) and I kid you not, the Pastor from the altar, paused his preaching to say something along the lines of, “Olivia, God is taking you places, I see you heading an International Humanitarian organization.” Had God revealed this man my exact career ambitions? Nah, that ninja had asked me before service… This is a common control tactic apparently known as “Punish and Reward.” Unsurprisingly, they never got to the “Punish” part with me, I suspect my resting b*** face had something to do with that.

The Church had 2-3 services per week, but I mostly just attended Sundays. That’s likely what kept me insulated from the strange behaviors for so long… They probably camouflaged their behavior to appear more or less normal for Sunday visitors. During Holidays, I had more free time, so I started attending weekday service. It was then that the weirdness TRULY began…

First things first, I heard with my very ears the Pastor refer to some people as witches that had to burn. I initially did not comprehend and thought it was an imagery. Until he legit named names of ex members. Top of his hit list was my friend, let’s call her Belle. They had a HUGE vendetta against Belle because she had left after being super involved for years. That’s when they lost me, I found it amusing even… Belle? Belle is such a diva; with her perfectly styled hair and perfectly manicured nails, she would be THE most useless of witches. Whatever witches do, I imagine requires labor; Belle does not labor. However, others seemed to buy the concept that leaving = becoming enemy of the church = becoming enemy of God = WITCH.

They had in fact forbidden her sister, who had stayed in the church, to speak to her. The sisters were international students whose families were back home. This broke my heart on Belle’s behalf. We spent many nights praying/crying together. Turns out, that is their precise MO (Modus Operandi): Target International Students on Campuses who are likely here with no families because then, easier to manipulate. I marked this as a red flag.

In addition to that, there also seemed to be a heavy Cult of Personality, which is unfortunately not uncommon in Churches. My childhood Pastor, for example, shares the story of how he once sat in a plane with a church member who noticed that he did not drink apple juice. Only for that church member to go home and order that apple juice never again be bought in his home. (What do you want me to say? Weird sh*** happens in Church…) As such, I understood that sometimes. powerful men/women attract random fan behavior.

But this Church was different. For one, the Pastor made everyone call him “Daddy”. I did not watch him instruct people to call him that, however, I did watch him respond when every single member, boy, girl, young, old, called him “Daddy”, not Father, not Papa, not Pastor, “Daddy”. To be fair, this was not in a perverted way (to my knowledge) as I’ve seen many African church members refer to their Pastor as their spiritual fathers. However, this was different, everything seemed centered around his person. For example, it was very rare for us to have a guest speaker. Occasionally, his wife would preach but, in her preaching, she’d reference “Daddy” (she too, called him that) at least a dozen times, no exaggeration. I marked this as a red flag.

Comparatively, we once had an event called 10,000 Hallelujahs (based on popular Gospel song). The plan was to legit say “Hallelujah” back-to-back nonstop 10,000 times. I made sure to attend because I was intrigued and wanted to see how they will count. Sure enough, when I arrived, they had a large count down on the wall. My brain questioned itself: was this innovative or bizarre? My conclusion was: surely this is better than murdering, stealing, cheating… I marked this as an orange flag.

Another time, and this was perhaps the biggest of the red flags, I attended a Holy Communion service. That is where Christians share bread and “wine” (juice) in remembrance of the Body of Christ broken for our sins. Typically, fancy churches have pre-filled communion cups to pass around for everyone. Whereas low budget churches have actual Kroger juice and bread. Aesthetics don’t matter; it is a symbolic act. What I have NEVER seen though was an actual bucket, filled with lots of grape juices splashed on members. Not a tiny splash either, one man had a white shirt that turned red. I could not make this up. I immediately excused myself & marked this as a very bloody red flag.

What sealed their fate even more was a Facebook group someone sent me. The page had hundreds of members and presented actual FALSITIES. The man had lied on his ENTIRE historic. Somebody had called his alleged US Alma Mater to find he never attended. He had also never been a medical doctor neither here nor in Africa, as he purported to be (somebody checked and added receipts.) There were also many testimonials of cultish strange behavior. One girl shared having been made to leave her Christian fiancé who was not in that church, only to be married off to someone in the cult she didn’t very much approve of. And SO MUCH MORE…. I read that page and never went back. I ran saying, “Kibuno Mpa Amaguru.” (TR: impossible translation of this Rwandan quote: “My dear Buttocks, lend me an extra pair of feet so I can run faster”)

I don’t know what made my personality prone to cults. Maybe it is because I am already extravagant so very few things are weird in my eyes… Some of you will use this opportunity to say “AHA! this is why I don’t go to church” knowing damn well that ain’t why. I’ve been in church since I was born. Cults are like prevalent but like not prevalent at the same time. You know what I’m sayin’? Bottom line is: man is flawed, God is not. Does one stop driving because they’ve seen accidents on the road? God, is as essential as O₂.

Cautionary tale for all those who proclaim divine calling when they just don’t like working: Hell or a W2? Most Comical Part of this Story is some current members of this church still follow me and will likely read this. Dearest, Missed Me? I dedicated to you the following poignant words that have lived since 1898.

As you have dared, so shall I dare. Dare to tell the truth. My duty is to speak out, not to become an accomplice in this travesty. – Emile Zola

¡Salud! — To the Only Worthy Cult: The Cult of Love!