DETTY DECEMBER WARNINGS

(*This is a Satirical Piece*)

Brace Yourselves.
Detty December is Upon Us!

December is a time, when us, Africans living in Diaspora, go to our respective countries of origin to, how shall I put it? — step on necks! Come on, of course we also go to rest, visit family, eat fresh food, recalibrate, breathe pure air; BUT let us not lie to each other, the trip can also be a time to, you know, show off a bit. (NB: This is only true for those, who unfortunately like me, have not yet elevated to monk-level-enlightment.)

To those back home: You are our blood, we can’t actually look down on you! “Astaghfirullah”! Sacrilège! But since you insist we are rich, allow we show off small. Quickly. For play play. You, too, try and understand! Year-round, we have to combat snow, racism, capitalism, processed poultry, and TIME. (Honestly, why must I be on time for your BBQ, am I the one grilling the goat?) Plus, they keep making references we don’t get. Talking about, remember soul train. Wtf is a soulfoul train? Talking about, I miss Miley Cyrus in her Disney Era. Heck, I barely know the girl today. We get tired of explaining we didn’t grow up here so we resort to fake laughs and neutral expressions like: “wow” “imagine” “wild”…Therefore, when we come home, express quick bewilderment. Tell us how good we look and how nice we smell. Stroke our ego a bit, it will heal us. You too what will it cost you? Ah! ah! (Note of caution though, don’t ask us to pay for your children tuition, we don’t actually got it like that.) That is the plight of every immigrant: Never fully belonging in either world. Is this what mixed kids forever feel?

Everything was Kumbaya, Until some years ago, the Ghanaians channeled their Nkrumah and Garvey on and invited everyone to return, “Home”. It was actually a beautiful moment of unity. Some sensitive souls even cried…. then the matter transformed into FECES.

The Intentions was to connect Blacks to the Motherland but when the borders opened, every random non black came in too. A specific type alarmed us: Elderly White Women Stealing our Hotties and refusing to go home. Niko ye, ngo Iwacu udusore twiza, duhora mu myitozo batwita utu Jackson ra? In fact “They’re bringing drugs, they’re bringing crime, they’re rapists, and some, I assume, are good people. But I speak to border guards and they’re telling us what we’re getting… More shockingly, in Africaville, they are eating the zebras, they are eating the antilopes. They’re eating pets of the people that live there.”

In response, we have instituted a zero-tolerance immigration enforcement on the border. Separate the mother from the babies, human rights groups can sue us later, we will auto-pardon. Bottom line being when they hear they’ll be separated from their families, they won’t come. It’s also about time we edit that thing in Dakar, it looks ugly anyway, what is it called again the Renaissance Monument? What fake-genius came up with the inscription “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.” (* Original inscription on Statue of Liberty in NY*) “This imported army of illegal alien gang members and migrant criminals from the dungeons” don’t need to actually breathe free…. You know—— I’m like a really smart person, sort of genius if we’re honest, so the time has come I single-handedly Make Africa Great Again.

Jina Langu ni Donalda Shukuru.(*My name is Donalda Shukuru*) Kandi Ntimushime Imana, Mushime Njye. (Shukuru means Give Thanks, but don’t thank God, thank me!)

You’re welcome…