Toxic Respect Culture in Black Churches

What’s up with older African people in the church just plain sh*** on younger people? What shall we name that phenomenon? Toxic Eldering?

Hate to admit it but Rwandan churches in America tend to be boring. Congolese churches are turnt but typically smaller and with less services. Nigerians churches are bigger, more established and more fun. So if you are an African Christian abroad you will likely find yourself in a Nigerian church and/or white but you already know I don’t do the latter. Hate to disappoint MLK who cited “The 11 o’clock on Sunday Morning is the most segregated hour in America.” What can we say, you were a noble man and they killed you, so… we are back gangstering’

All black/african elders want respect. But in East African cultures, money can save you. Once you reach a point you financially contribute to the church, they don’t infantilize you as much anymore. Unfortunately, NOTHING can save you in a Nigerian church. I was once asked to work on a project with an elder in a Nigerian Church. No contract was drafted, it was an informal setup. I usually find it unethical to charge a Church/non-profit so no monies were expected. BUT when it was time to have the materials published (which contained my face in great majority)- I asked that we publish on both their youtube and mine. When they refused, I simply asked for the project to be to pulled altogether. This was an apparently catastrophic request. How impolite of me. How ungodly of me. I’m sure I made the headline of Aunty Gossip Chronicles that week.

I must have headlined again when later, on an unrelated matter, a differently elder invited me to something at least 5 times. I declined more than once due to unavailability. They continued to insist for such a long time asking my exact whereabouts. As if to trick me and catch me in a lie. I rarely lie because I’m too direct and have limited-to-no shame… I am ACTUALLY unavailable but say I was simply uninterested, even that should be enough. “Na by Force?” A young Nigerian girl bred in this, would have probably obliged and answered with the exact details of her agenda for the week. But when we analyze the why, we see a need to be right, a non respect of boundaries etc. Dear friends, just because you are used to poison, it doesn’t make poison not be poison…


Cold reality is this: An Elder who insists on having young people bow down unneccesarily and continuously exerts no REAL power in the real world…. I grew up with actual BOSSES- they don’t move that way… They are more humble.

I’ll go as far as to say, I admire many things in our traditions but these African exaggerated respect cultures we carry in the church are NOT Biblical. Ok fine- they birthed you before: Congratulations? (Of course, none of these issues would ever make me leave a church. We are all flawed humans needing grace from God.)

Highlighting also- My stance is irrespective of age, it will be my stance when I am an elder too. As it is my father’s stance for example. In his words (borrowed from Rugamba Cyprien) “Jy’umenya gusaza utanduranije cyane…”

With my (alleged) due respect,
In love always,