Love & War

Just the other night, I was in the middle of having a toddler meltdown, which I am ofc not proud of. Still, I don’t only share moments that make me look good. With the rise of perfectly-curated-social media images of self; I made the commitment long ago to share my life in its most raw form. Can’t even remember exactly what Prof did. Probably some regular Man-Sh**** . You know, the inconsiderate things they do WITHOUT realizing. Which when confronted with and asked, “OK. But how come I do xyz for you but you don’t do the same, they look puzzled and respond, ‘but I don’t ask for it!’” Which is I suppose a fair point. Bottom Line being: Men and women are so alien. Healthy Cohabitation is a nothing short of miracle.

But that day, my hormones were high, my periods were due soon, mixed with pre-existing trauma, etc. I didn’t have time for fairness so accidentally lost it on the man. I never yell at a lover. I never curse a lover. But I do what men call “nag”. I go on and on about the irrationality of his position…. He refuses to engage, it irritates me. Prof is never the aggressive type but he speaks with firmness, it puts me in check “Olivia- I am trying to avoid a cold war” I pause. My voice lowers. I tell him I don’t like feeling this way.

He is very fair-minded so it must have clicked in his mind- what I’m doing is deeper than nagging. This is a rush of emotions that overwhelms me. So he now enters philosophy mode (who even gets a Masters in Philo…). He tells me – having expectations with humans will always lead to disappointment, why the stress? we are but atoms in the universe. I pause and whisper “Fine- but atoms still have responsibilities to their fellow atoms.” He smiles. The car is silent. He holds my hand. Kisses my forehead. Ever been fore-matized? Prof kisses my forehead at random times. So gentle, so kind. I’m a wild ride, who can manage me? Only a man who doesn’t seek to manage!

As we situationship on – Not sure where we will be in 10 years. Maybe we will decide to make it conventionally official or maybe we will downgrade to just friendship. Either way, having experienced all stages: desperate singlehood that feels empty, healthy dating, unhealthy dating, happy marriage, unhappy marriage, etc. I have concluded I don’t quite mind this stage I am on: That of (1) Money & (2) A Kind Love to warm my bed and heart on a need-to basis.

To Evolution!