Assassination Attempt

Barely 9am and I have already survived two assassination attempts. First, my liquid foundation spilled all over me as if to blind me, then the coffee shop got my order wrong as if to poison me. Dearest reader, I lead a strenuous life, victim of my charm, like Nigerian Rapper Skales; “Them wan hold me for ransom cause I’m young and I’m rich and I’m handsome.” Because of small God-given beauty and small driven “Benz-looking-Corolla”; shall a gentlewoman pay with her blood?

If you feel moved to visit me and celebrate my survival, dear, please come well fed. Fridge mighty empty… I am only inspired to cook when I am in love and well “managed” (*cough cough*). Ah! This love thing, another survived assassination attempt… The gents tried to suffocate me with modern polygamy. Oh, and bring your own toilet paper, I always run out & now they’ve installed cameras in my complex, can’t even steal in peace anymore. (*Insert Eyeroll*)

(*satirical piece*)